Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
