New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Damn victory sex feels great
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