My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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