He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
