ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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