I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
How external is "for external use only"?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
