i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
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He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.