my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
