I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
