You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
