every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
