you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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