He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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