I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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