Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
