you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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