I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
