I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
