Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
