Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
