You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
