if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
