My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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