my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
