I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Found your dick twin last night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
