I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
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Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀