i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after