Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
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the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
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He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow