I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
