Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
