There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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