i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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