I'm laying in your front yard are you home
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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