Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
