it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
