We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
