My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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