Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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