i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
