I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
