I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
