is wine microwaveable?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes