Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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