my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
