I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
