Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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