Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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