Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I need moral support for this bender
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
