Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found your dick twin last night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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