i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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