A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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