addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
