btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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