The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
