pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
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wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?