i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
