She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
