Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
