We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
