I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
